My heart belongs to...

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there's plenty of room at both ends.

Loves means trust, share, tolerance and friendship. Do you know that?

Today, I'm not going to discuss about marriage (I'm not married yet-- I'm still too young -, so I don't know so much about marriage life-- even though I'm writing about it in my fiction), but I'm going to touch about love.
Yep~! L.O.V.E. One of the most common words in the world. Everyone knows it. Even an innocent child knows what is LOVE.

However, do people really understand what is love?

Most people mistaken it as sacrifice. Yes, they do say that 'I love him because he's the only one who can bring me happiness! And he keeps my heart. Yes, I'm soooo not going to leave him!' Well, I have to say that those people can talk the talk, but they can't walk the walk. In the end, the guy leaves her and she suffers. Pfft...

Personally, I think love is too abstract. I don't know how to describe it. Not exactly, that's it. All I know is when I hear his laughter, my face creases into a broad smile. I open myself, let out all my emotion trapped inside my heart when he asks me, "Are you okay?" I willingly listen to him when he tells me a story. I love teasing him, making him jealous (but not too much). I love to be embraced by his beautiful dark eyes. And I like him because he makes me love him.

To make it simple, love make me feel safe, and yet vulnerable, too.

Why I said vulnerable too?

Because when I fall for him, I let him keep my heart. And I'm afraid he will crush it.

However, he gave back half of my heart and gave me half of his heart too. (Not literally)

One day, he asked me, "What would you do when our relationship is not working?"

I asked him, "Why you ask such a thing?"

"Pure curiosity. I'm afraid if fate is too cruel and makes us separate forever"

"You mean death"

He didn't answer, which I took it as 'yes'.

"You know, you take it too serious, dude" I just brushed off the topic. He remained silent for awhile before replying.

"If I die early, then I let you find another guy better than me"

I was so shocked back then. Then, I realized why he gave back half of my heart and let me keep half of his heart.

Because he doesn't want me to suffer if death really do us part.
He doesn't want me to be a soulless soul, wandering around without my heart.
He wants me to be happy even if he's not here anymore.

And, yes, I fall for him again and again because of that.

I'm not saying that he's a romantic guy or a romeo (in fact, he's hopeless about romantic stuff!).

But, can someone really say to the person that he/she loves that 'honey, you can find someone else if our relationship is not working.'

Probability to say it= 0.000000000000000001 (but, there are people out there that really can say it-- respect!)

It's a fact! Many people stalk their partner, control their partner and even worst, they abuse their partner!

Believe or not, according to to the U.S. Department of Justice, 49 % of nearly 3.5 million violent crimes committed against family members between 1998 and 2002 were committed against spouse.


Why this is happening? It's because they want to conquer the partner's whole heart.

Please, stop!

Protect your beloved, care your beloved and love your beloved.
 
And those people who let your partner to keep your whole heart, take the half back and keep his/her! With this, both of you won't hurt each other. 

Because love means sharing, protection and tolerance.  

Ja ne~

1/2 of your heart + 1/2 of his/her heart = 1 heart

P/S: Sorry because of the bad context. I just realize that I almost went out of the context. First time~

Because of him

It's been ages I don't post anything in my blog (Hey, can't blame me; I was very busy!) So many things had happened in my life back then.

I went back to my hometown and celebrated Hari Raya Aidilfitri. My village is a rural area, so I could not use Internet at all. And when I had announced about it to my fanfic readers, they were like, "Nooo!!! I'm dying wanting to read you fiction!!!" Hahahahaha... Seriously, reading their reviews made me smile like an idiot for the whole day.

It's a chocolate!! So cute!!!

My cousin and his family

At  Kabong (who knows where is it???)

My uncle's house! Nice design!!

I thought I won't see this game anymore... and yet, POOF! It's in my hand!

My only queen of heart and her granddaughter

PEACE!!!

She's so adorable. Can't I hug her?

Sometimes my brain suddenly went crazy. I started making a gift for my beloved one. A teddy bear for him! I did it myself! (I mean, the decoration, not the teddy bear-- I suck at sewing!) And I'm really proud of myself! (Che!)

And a few weeks after Hari Raya, my beloved gave me a ring! (FINALLY!!!!) I was really happy!!! Felt like floating in the clouds!!! Walaoweyh! And it's so beautiful!!! So, I'm officially his girlfriend!!! Yay!!!!!!! (Sorry, can't upload the picture here-- it's confidential!!)

Yep~! So many had happened. Smile, tears, laughter... I, once, hated my life, my current path. But, because of him, I've changed. Now, I'm be able to laugh again, to smile like before. I won't let myself to regret the path that my parents have chosen for me. I know, it's not my dream, but, hey, just face it! It's your destiny! If it wasn't because of my parents wanted me to study here, I won't be able to meet him. Now, I just want to strive for success. Because if it's really my fate to not be able to pass, then, I won't have any regrets anymore. Because I know I've tried! The next exam's wave is coming in one month! So, prepare yourself!!!!!!!!

Ja ne~

Many, many, many O.C~

Playing with brush~ Reeeeeaaally hard though~

A BRIDE~

I don't know why but out of sudden I felt like drawing a bride... Kekekekeke.... Nonsense~

A sketch... Took me 2 hours to draw it....

Complete!!!

A gift for him~

I went to a shopping complex nearby with my brother and his cute girlfriend (hey, when I said cute, that means reeeally cute!). So, I went to S&J, one of my favorite stores. I saw a nice jar, but I decided to buy a jar at Home Decor next store (it just cost me RM 5.00). Then, I bought some stuff from S&J. Other are mine. Hahahaha... And I really enjoyed making them!

 Cannot see the head~

 See, Beruang, I made you roses just like what you asked! Satisfied?

 Small note for ya~

For the side~~

So, how? Nice?? See ya next time~

ONCE is ENOUGH!

Annoying, annoying, annoying, ANNOYING!!! I'm tired of her lecture!!! Really tired!! She said it once, then it is ENOUGH!!! MORE THAN ENOUGH!!! DAMMIT! I'm... I'm... SICK of it!!! She was the one who decided it for me! She didn't allow me to go for what I really interested of! She was the first person who said 'NO' to me- And now, she is the one who doubts me!!! DAMMIT!!!

So what if I did post my passion on FB? Hey, those arts took me days! And I did it not continuously!!! Even nowadays, I spent more time for studies that literally killing me instead of drawing arts which are my heaven for me! My grades are picking up, even though they aren't happening drastically! Now, I'm reaching same level like others!!!!

In fact, being an engineer has never been my dream! Never in my life I said I want to be an engineer. When I was young, I never told anyone that 'When I grow up, I want be an engineer, so that blablabla...'. NEVER!!! I kept saying that 'Oh, an artist!!!' Then, she pulled her face!

Hey, this is MY LIFE we're talking about! MY PATH!! Not YOURS!!! Your path has been decided, so live with it! Don't use my life to achieve what COULDN'T achieve before!!!

DAMN! I HATE YOU!!!

TRANSFORM!!!

She has changed!! Seriously, from a cute-cute and timid-timid girl, now she has become a princess!!! Wow!!! Never in my life, I'd see that she'd like that. I mean, it is good to see her changing. But, it seems so drastic!!! Can you imagine, before this she has a fine hair, then this year, suddenly she changed her hairstyle. I thought I heard she wanted to leave it naturally. Well, then I just let it slipped. And now, she wears contact lens. Wait up~ I thought she don't like it. I guess it becomes 'didn't like it'.

I really don't understand. Why she changed so much? My friends are not princess-wanna-be. We are fine. Not 'fashion victims' either. Of course, sometimes we'd scream like hell when we heard 'SALE!!!'. We are girls after all. Also, we are students. So, we don't have so much money to spend and sale is the right time. But, it doesn't mean that we'd change our fashion drastically.

I can't deny that nowadays I have become more feminine. But, hey, come on~ I can't stay act like boys forever, right? But, I didn't go and changed my clothes. I didn't wear contact lens (I tried once before, and I hated it!). Dang~

Some people claim that because of someone. And I know that someone. In my opinion (sounds like an essay sentence), if you want to change yourself for someone, make sure it is worth! 

To that someone:

I don't mind about your relationship. And I don't even ever think to destroy. I have my own life, you have yours~ I have someone to take care of, and you have yours too. So, please. She has changed so much because of you, so please take the responsibility and take care of her heart and feelings. And you can start it by being honest about your relationship with her. You know how much I hate it when I see you guys are together for almost every breath, every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week and every month!!! (I'm exaggerating, aren't I?) But, please, you get it, aren't you? It is tiring seeing you so lovey-dovey and yet haven't declared!! Gosh, do you want me to teach you how? It's easy, just go and find her (no need to do so since you guys are always together) and confess it!! EASY!!! Or you don't want to take any responsibility anymore? Coward!! What is your problem huh? WHY??? I want to know!!! I really am!!! Come and see me if you've got any problems with me!!! I'm tired of this!!!

Sky of LOVE

I watched an old movie (a 2007 movie- I know, I'm way too late, right? Who cares anyway~) named Koizora. My beloved roommie downloaded it. She said she watched it once, then suddenly the surge of watching the movie came back. She said to me that the movie is nice. So, I guess, my curiosity ate me up~ So, yeah, I watched it! (I repeat the same word, na???)

And, yes! The movie is indeed lovely, sweet and mushi-mushi~ (I mean, cute). But it is also a very sad movie. I just.... (T_____T) Yes, I cried! Mommy~~

The plot is quite simple... I won't tell you cause you can find it in Internet, na??? And actually I could predict what will happen next. But, hehehehe... The actor is damn handsome. And also he is quite similar to Niou! (Hey, stop comparing him with your Niou!!)

 Haruma Miura and Yui Aragaki

 Don't you think he is super charming?? Kya~

Actually, this movie is based on a cell phone novel (one of Japanese cultures~). And it is undeniable that I really respect the author. (Hey, you only need a cell phone and line Internet, and POOFFF!!! You just have a movie!!!) Mannnnn... I hope I can write a nice story like this... (URRRGGGHH, I'm super jealous now!!!)

Projects!!

So far I have done few projects! My fanfiction and of course; my drawing!!!

Inking part~

After finished coloring~

After edited it using opaque color~

My on-going project!

I don't get it!!!

This is totally nonsense!! Why??? Why people always jump to their own conclusion without asking the person first??? I don't get it!! I mean, come on~ I'm holding myself because I want to respect that person!!! Once is enough for me, and I don't want to repeat the history! Please, everyone should have known already why I'm doing this, right? Even my roommie can understand my action without asking me about it. If you want to continue it, go ahead!!! It's not that I don't care, I just don't mind about it!! And, 'don't mind' and 'don't care' are two different things!!! IF... If you are doubting yourself, come and see me. PAST IS PAST. Have you heard of 'let bygone, be bygone'? I won't go and stab you or what-so-ever. I'm not that kind of person, okay? I thought I have told you already about this; never stereotype me with others! In fact, if it is really happening, then I would be happy. Most probably the happiest person in the world!!! At least I won't be haunted by guilty. Geez, why you do this to me??? I just don't get it!!

Rewind~

I was cleaning my stuff, and I have found something!! Hahahaha... my old artworks... Seriously, I never thought that I would find them...

Just a sketch~

I don't have any idea what was I thinking that time...

Yay~ A bunch of girls!!!!

Uh... So messy...

I just don't know...

He's my world. He is my everything. The words escaped from his lips  keep lingering in my mind. The time that we spent together keep replaying in my mind. My heart is pounding quickly because of him. The way he's looking at me makes my red blood cells rush onto my face. His smile makes my day. His jokes are my medicine. I love everything about him.

He owns me...

However,

I'm scared. I never let him completely opens my heart. I lock my heart. Let a forest of sharp thorn roses grows wildly. Surrounding my heart.

I run when he tries to catch me. Just like a spoil cat. Loves to be accompanied, but runs when they try to touch. Just like a bird. Flying closer with they lend their hand, and flying away when they try to catch.

Am I an ungrateful person? Making him mine but still running away? Making him jealous but keep him inside my cage? Making his world becomes mine but still demanding for a freedom?

I want to! I want to be inside his cage! I really do. But, I'm scared. And I don't know how. I don't know how to express it. I don't know how should I say it clearly!! I don't know!!!

Time~

Another art again today. Hehehe... It's been awhile I didn't draw anything. Thanks to this blog!! Oh well, we cannot do everything in the same time, right? That's IMPOSSIBLE! Here, I present you~

WINTER...

He was walking on a street. He lifted his head up, looking at the sky, towards the clouds, as they hanged from the orbit, light and diaphanous, like cotton ginned by wind, like a white idea about the meaning of existence.  He released a long breathe, causing water vapor to form. The cold wind caressed his face. He was shivering. He crossed his arms tightly, hoping that he could get as much warmth as possible.

Winter…

He didn’t like it. He thought winter as a dull season, as a dead season, as if to mourn the death of summer. The trees, once gently swaying proudly, now died. The flowers, once dancing happily and coloring the world with their beautiful petals, now wilt. The ambience was too quiet. Even the nature chorus had turned mute. No chattering. No children’s voices either. Nothing at all. People would rather to stay at home, spending their time together to tighten their so-called family bond.

However, he couldn’t hate the season. Not when his fiancee liked the season. In fact, his fiancee was born during winter. Sometimes, his fiancee would take him out during this season and play a snow fight like children. They would play until worn out. Then, his fiancee would roll and use his broad chest as a pillow, humming and cooing love words. A simple kiss would brush his lips out of sudden and he would hear his fiancee chuckle happily. He once loved winter because of his fiancee.

And now because of his fiancee too, he didn’t like the season.

Finally, he reached at his destination.

He stopped for awhile, scanning the surrounding with his eyes. No one was there. A brooding silence filled the atmosphere. Gray clouds were looming over in horizon, shadowing the place. Everything was so lifeless here. No sign of living flower or grass at all. Only white covered the place. A relief sigh escaped from his lips. He would rather like that. He just wanted to be alone. Alone with his fiancee.

Slowly, he stepped into the place and searched for his fiancee. He found her.

XXXX.

24^th December XXXX- 21^st November XXXX.

A great child.

A good friend.

We will always love you.

He looked at his fiancee’s grave morosely. 2 years. 2 years the fate had stolen his fiancee from him. 2 years his fiancee had left him forever. 2 years he had been living alone in this world. And 2 years he hadn’t visited his fiancee. Since his fiancee’s funeral, never once he stepped into the cemetery. He wanted to, but he couldn’t.

His love life.

Once a beautiful tale…

Now had become a history…

“I miss you so much…”

“I still love you…”

“You are my song…”

“My most beautiful melody…”

“No longer can be heard…”

“You left…”

“Silence without any words…”

“Forever…”

A single snowflake landed on his nose. He looked up, watching the cloud cried for him. A wryly smile was plastered on his face. He placed a piece of paper on the grave and walked away.

Officially missing you…

-Your fiance-

The funny thing is when people....

The ambiance was tensed. No one could express their feelings. Only lies escaped from their lips. Everyone was busy put up their mask. Then ignoring each other. Split up apart. We are no longer unite. No warm jokes filling the air. No friendly chattering echoed in the room. No more smile.

Nothing!

Everything was messed up. We kept pointing to each other. To her. To him. To me. And to yourself.  Whose to blame? Who should take the responsibility? Who? Who? And who??

Fuck it! Why don't you take it as your own responsibility? Why you kept pointing on others? Why didn't you admit in the first place? It was your own doing and now you are scared of it? Hahahahahahaha... You are funny. REALLY FUNNY! They should understand you. It just matter that whether you want to admit it or not. But hey, soon or later they are gonna find it out. No matter how good you are trying to hide it.

And let me remind you this. We never gossiped and spread things out just like what you always do. We just discussed about it. We didn't even give a damn about it too.We NEVER cared!

Geez, this is really annoying. I hate it when people are accusing us for something we didn't do. I didn't deserve it-no. WE DID NOT DESERVE IT!!!

p/s: Don't ever think that this is settled! It is NOT settled yet. Not until both side are satisfied! I want a win-win situation!

Here I am...

For the first time in my life, they doubt me. For the first time in my life, they asked me, "Are you sure you're capable enough to do this?". For the first time in my life, the words escaped from their lips hurting my heart. Stabbing me over and over again. My heart is aching badly. My tears are threatening to leak. I can't crack a smile. Nor can I laugh. I just stare at my wall morosely. Doing nothing. Spacing out.

I'm tired. Tired of living in their expectation. Tired of following their decision. Tired of nodding at their decision. And tired of plastering a fake smile.

And yet, here I am, still helping them to achieve something they couldn't achieve long time ago.

And yet, here I am, crying in silence. Hiding my dismay. Hiding everything from their eyes. From the eyes of public. Putting my mask. My usual mask. My fake grin. My playful and mischievous grin.

When everyone is gone, busy with their own greediness, ignoring the pain in my heart, I'd bring my knees to my chest, my hands roaming over my shoulder, comforting myself, assuring to myself, "It will be fine."

The dawn chorus is filling the ambiance, the sun is climbing slowly higher in the sky. People are busy repeating their routine, just like programmed robots. Here I am, writing the final sentence, and putting my mask again.