I just don't know...

He's my world. He is my everything. The words escaped from his lips  keep lingering in my mind. The time that we spent together keep replaying in my mind. My heart is pounding quickly because of him. The way he's looking at me makes my red blood cells rush onto my face. His smile makes my day. His jokes are my medicine. I love everything about him.

He owns me...

However,

I'm scared. I never let him completely opens my heart. I lock my heart. Let a forest of sharp thorn roses grows wildly. Surrounding my heart.

I run when he tries to catch me. Just like a spoil cat. Loves to be accompanied, but runs when they try to touch. Just like a bird. Flying closer with they lend their hand, and flying away when they try to catch.

Am I an ungrateful person? Making him mine but still running away? Making him jealous but keep him inside my cage? Making his world becomes mine but still demanding for a freedom?

I want to! I want to be inside his cage! I really do. But, I'm scared. And I don't know how. I don't know how to express it. I don't know how should I say it clearly!! I don't know!!!

Time~

Another art again today. Hehehe... It's been awhile I didn't draw anything. Thanks to this blog!! Oh well, we cannot do everything in the same time, right? That's IMPOSSIBLE! Here, I present you~

WINTER...

He was walking on a street. He lifted his head up, looking at the sky, towards the clouds, as they hanged from the orbit, light and diaphanous, like cotton ginned by wind, like a white idea about the meaning of existence.  He released a long breathe, causing water vapor to form. The cold wind caressed his face. He was shivering. He crossed his arms tightly, hoping that he could get as much warmth as possible.

Winter…

He didn’t like it. He thought winter as a dull season, as a dead season, as if to mourn the death of summer. The trees, once gently swaying proudly, now died. The flowers, once dancing happily and coloring the world with their beautiful petals, now wilt. The ambience was too quiet. Even the nature chorus had turned mute. No chattering. No children’s voices either. Nothing at all. People would rather to stay at home, spending their time together to tighten their so-called family bond.

However, he couldn’t hate the season. Not when his fiancee liked the season. In fact, his fiancee was born during winter. Sometimes, his fiancee would take him out during this season and play a snow fight like children. They would play until worn out. Then, his fiancee would roll and use his broad chest as a pillow, humming and cooing love words. A simple kiss would brush his lips out of sudden and he would hear his fiancee chuckle happily. He once loved winter because of his fiancee.

And now because of his fiancee too, he didn’t like the season.

Finally, he reached at his destination.

He stopped for awhile, scanning the surrounding with his eyes. No one was there. A brooding silence filled the atmosphere. Gray clouds were looming over in horizon, shadowing the place. Everything was so lifeless here. No sign of living flower or grass at all. Only white covered the place. A relief sigh escaped from his lips. He would rather like that. He just wanted to be alone. Alone with his fiancee.

Slowly, he stepped into the place and searched for his fiancee. He found her.

XXXX.

24^th December XXXX- 21^st November XXXX.

A great child.

A good friend.

We will always love you.

He looked at his fiancee’s grave morosely. 2 years. 2 years the fate had stolen his fiancee from him. 2 years his fiancee had left him forever. 2 years he had been living alone in this world. And 2 years he hadn’t visited his fiancee. Since his fiancee’s funeral, never once he stepped into the cemetery. He wanted to, but he couldn’t.

His love life.

Once a beautiful tale…

Now had become a history…

“I miss you so much…”

“I still love you…”

“You are my song…”

“My most beautiful melody…”

“No longer can be heard…”

“You left…”

“Silence without any words…”

“Forever…”

A single snowflake landed on his nose. He looked up, watching the cloud cried for him. A wryly smile was plastered on his face. He placed a piece of paper on the grave and walked away.

Officially missing you…

-Your fiance-

The funny thing is when people....

The ambiance was tensed. No one could express their feelings. Only lies escaped from their lips. Everyone was busy put up their mask. Then ignoring each other. Split up apart. We are no longer unite. No warm jokes filling the air. No friendly chattering echoed in the room. No more smile.

Nothing!

Everything was messed up. We kept pointing to each other. To her. To him. To me. And to yourself.  Whose to blame? Who should take the responsibility? Who? Who? And who??

Fuck it! Why don't you take it as your own responsibility? Why you kept pointing on others? Why didn't you admit in the first place? It was your own doing and now you are scared of it? Hahahahahahaha... You are funny. REALLY FUNNY! They should understand you. It just matter that whether you want to admit it or not. But hey, soon or later they are gonna find it out. No matter how good you are trying to hide it.

And let me remind you this. We never gossiped and spread things out just like what you always do. We just discussed about it. We didn't even give a damn about it too.We NEVER cared!

Geez, this is really annoying. I hate it when people are accusing us for something we didn't do. I didn't deserve it-no. WE DID NOT DESERVE IT!!!

p/s: Don't ever think that this is settled! It is NOT settled yet. Not until both side are satisfied! I want a win-win situation!

Here I am...

For the first time in my life, they doubt me. For the first time in my life, they asked me, "Are you sure you're capable enough to do this?". For the first time in my life, the words escaped from their lips hurting my heart. Stabbing me over and over again. My heart is aching badly. My tears are threatening to leak. I can't crack a smile. Nor can I laugh. I just stare at my wall morosely. Doing nothing. Spacing out.

I'm tired. Tired of living in their expectation. Tired of following their decision. Tired of nodding at their decision. And tired of plastering a fake smile.

And yet, here I am, still helping them to achieve something they couldn't achieve long time ago.

And yet, here I am, crying in silence. Hiding my dismay. Hiding everything from their eyes. From the eyes of public. Putting my mask. My usual mask. My fake grin. My playful and mischievous grin.

When everyone is gone, busy with their own greediness, ignoring the pain in my heart, I'd bring my knees to my chest, my hands roaming over my shoulder, comforting myself, assuring to myself, "It will be fine."

The dawn chorus is filling the ambiance, the sun is climbing slowly higher in the sky. People are busy repeating their routine, just like programmed robots. Here I am, writing the final sentence, and putting my mask again.

Flowers for you...

Huhuhu... I'm bored (?)

Craziness strikes again~ This time, I feel like playing with crepe papers. So, I went to the book store to buy it (with Beruang~). I bought three colors; red, white and lavender (hey, they are cheap!!) Then, I immediately took my scissors and, yes, I cut them 'merciless'!! (crazy, oh yeah, I did it once I got back home, of course)

Basically, I used gum, scissors, staple and or course, a crepe paper. I decided to use lavender color first, cause I have another agenda with red and white crepe papers (what's your agenda, then? S.E.C.R.E.T.~)

 

 I just realized, I tend to choose purple, huh?

Then, I drew petals and pasted it using gum. Actually, there's no need to use staple, but I guess I want to make it more 'original'. It will turn out nice when you paste in on the wall.

 Part of it~

Then, I varied the size, so it won't look so 'dull'. It just took me 15 minutes to make 4 flowers and the cost is very low. However, it looks very NICE!!

 Hehehe... This is what will happen if you use phone~

 Uhh... looks weird here~

A simple present for her~

Huhuhu... The 'Leftover'~

One of my friend, Ahalya, a Foundation in Science student (FIS-hey, FIST!!! Don't mess with them~ Na, kidding...) is leaving tomorrow. I thought she is coming here this Friday. Naa... I guess it isn't going according to the plan... Well, I made a simple gift- flowers. I found out how to do it from Internet. At first, it was tough! But, after a few trials, I got it!! (Yay to me!!!!)

Part of it~

My bed looks messy because of it. Actually, my bed always messy. My books, my color papers, bears, clothes and sometimes foods are placed on my bed (hey, my table is messy kay? They should provide a larger table for us).

The first attempt... (Urgh... Looks so damn ugly)

 

<~These two pictures are the final result~>

Well, I guess they look nice in the end. But, I wish I have more color papers to make them (I want to make red roses next time. And give them to Beruang!!)

If you love...

Relationships are like birds, if you hold tightly they die, if you hold loosely they fly, but if you hold it with care, they remain with you forever!!

I'm an egoist. I really am. Especially about this 'mushy-mushy' thing (hey, what's is that?). I mean, 'LOVE'!! You know, it is really hard for me to be so romantic (even though I write a lot of romance stories, hey! Cut it off!!). It's just not really my cup of tea (slurp~ Urgh...).

However, it doesn't mean that I don't have any those feelings. I do have them. In fact, I'll always try my best to hide them. Blushing? Flushing? Rednishing? (What kind of word is that?) Not in public, please~ Affection? Passion? Hey, go and read a romance novel, then. Whispering and cooing love words? Dude, there are thousands of poems out there. Just pick any of them. See, that's my problems. My friend once told me; I was being unfair. Went flirting around and stuff. Excuse me, did I kiss them? Did I hug them? NO~

Let me tell you this, as long I'm not someone's wife, that means I still have my freedom. I have right to behave any way I want to. I have right to fooling around. That is my right for being single (not married YET). I don't know about other girls, but I don't like to be imprisoned, just because I'm someone's girlfriend (uhh... Do I have a real boyfriend? Ah, never mind).

Couldn't agree more~

William Shakespeare...

One day, I asked my friends, "What do you think about William Shakespeare?" And most of them answered, "A wonderful English poet!" or something close enough with the statement. Basically, they answer would be 'wonderful!', 'romantic', or what-so-ever you want to call him (hey, no offense, kay!). Well, it is undeniable that his stories and poems are superb. They are his masterpieces after all. Especially, Romeo and Juliet. A famous love story. In fact, people always send love letters to Juliet on 14th February every year! I wish people would do that to me too~ (Yay, more chocolates!)

I'm really sure that everyone knows the story. A tragic love story. Both of them died in the end. Awww... So sad. But better die together than suffer alone, right? Well, I guess I don't need to elaborate more about it. But, hey! This story is THE BEST love story ever.

Or not...

Why?

I thought to myself that I needed an adult opinion. So, I asked the same question to my teacher. He was quite old. Well, he gave me the same answer. And I was... *sighed*... disappointed. But, he continued, "However, I don't think Romeo and Juliet is the best love story." Now, he got my attention. I asked further, "Why?" And his answer was, "Because everyone in this world has their own love story. It depends to them whether to judge it as a good love story or bad." Oh, he got it right though. "And as for me, it would be nice to grow old together than died together. Because I want to spent more time with my wife. Creating more sweet moments with her. Watching our grandchildren together. And that is more than enough for me." His answer startled me. He smiled warmly at me and went to continue his duty. For first time in my life, my brain worked so hard for one day just to figure out his points. Finally, my lips cracked a smile.

Yeah, I would like to grow old together with my love too.

(Who's that???)

 Sweet moment~

CHOCOLATE!!

Heyho~~~ Today was superb! I managed to upload a new fanfic (about ALPHA pair- sad story; death character). I didn't fall asleep in the class nor  did I fall. I did pay full concentration in the class. I think I did very well in my Physics assignment. And the best event happened today is Beruang gave a box of Ferrero Rocher!!! Oh God!!! No wonder why I... Ah, well. Never mind~ He went to Langkawi last week. Basically, I blackmailed him to buy me chocolate(s). But, na... I was just kidding, kay? I never thought that he would buy it for me! Gosh~ I'm touched! Huhuhu... Some people may think that I'm an ungrateful person, cause I shared the chocolate with my friends and roomie. But, that is my way to show that I'm very happy! When I'm happy, I'll share it!

 Don't be jealous, kay~

HAZE!!!

The Sultan Salahuddin Abdul Aziz Shah Mosque in Shah Alam, Selangor is almost shrouded in the haze.

As of 5pm yesterday, Port Klang topped the chart with a reading of 149 followed by Kuala Selangor (129) Shah Alam (120), Cheras (105) and Batu Muda (99).
An air quality reading of 101 to 202 is considered "unhealthy", 51 to 100 is "moderate" and 0 to 50 is "good".
The air quality readings in some other areas: Petaling Jaya (99) and Banting (95) in Selangor; Seri Manjung, Perak (92), Tanah Merah, Kelantan (88), Tasek, Perak (86) and Seberang Prai, Penang (84).

This is what I have read this morning at KFC (they provide free newspaper. Yay to KFC!!) They claimed that the haze was blew in from Sumatera. In Sumatera, there are some places called as hot spot (researchers could not confirm whether the hot spots were from forest fires or burning to clear new land in plantation areas). The Department of Environment's (DOE) has ordered a ban on open burning in all states in order to address this issue. "The haze will go during rains which will also extinguish the hot spots that produced the haze," Padang BMKG of Indonesia head Syafrizal said.

Oh well, no wonder both my roommie and I are having soar throats. I also couldn't see the view from my hostel window properly. Then, I'm gonna need to drink plenty of water and keep the windows shut for few days. I hope it won't last long. My Lord, I need rain!!

Read more: Haze returns to Klang Valley - General - New Straits Times http://www.nst.com.my/nation/general/haze-returns-to-klang-valley-1.95138#ixzz1xvt6DBya

My whole night was a heaven for me~

I spend my whole night to color this art... Satisfied? No~~ (The scale from Germany to US; to Amsterdam only... muehehehehehe..). But I think it just fine.... I guess... Here, I present you...... 'The Angel!!!'

But, the feather looks kinda weird..

Once upon a time

If you love and get hurt, love more. If you love more and get hurt more, love even more... If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more...

 It sounds so stupid, but it is a truth. It happened to one of my closed friend. In form 1 (grade 7, I would say), she fell in love with a very famous guy. It started when she had gotten close with him. I mean, being competitive and all. Every day, she would challenge him (like who arrived first, who could finish their meal first, who could score better. A childish challenge. What a stupid competition...). Until one day, a gossip filled the atmosphere (people love gossip, don't they?). They were suspected as lovers. The guy brushed the gossip like nothing had happened. However, the girl? The gossip really had gotten her. Finally, she realized her feelings towards the guy. She kept it as a secret, but somehow another girl found it out. The annoying girl told the guy. And guess what, the guy said "Oh well, she's just a friend. There's no way I would like a harsh girl like her." And the girl knew about it. It was like a 'pang!!' to her. The words stabbed her over and over again. But, she kept forcing herself to smile. Embarrassed, the girl never talk to him again. Even though they were just sitting nearby. Their distance was so closed, and yet it felt like so far away. Since that day, the class became too quiet.

Some guys tried to heal her wound, but it was useless. She was madly in love with him. Even her best friend offered his love, but she rejected it nicely.

Two years later, finally they talked to each other again. It was last for 10 minutes only. But it was enough to make her almost jump. She felt there was a glimmer of hope. She promised to herself that she would talk to him again.

However, destiny crushed her hope. She got a letter to move another school. Trapped between her parents' hope and her love life, she decided to choose her parents over her love. She moved to the school. There, she still could not forget her first crush. In fact, she cried when she heard the guy was dating with her own friend. Slowly, but painfully, she tried to seek for love. It took her months to forget him.

Finally, another guy came into her life. He opened her heart. He treated her nicely. Every day, he would visit her and study together. Where ever she went, he would accompany her. She felt loved. However, her heart was crushed again. The said guy was a playboy. He was just messing with her. Determinedly, she rejected him even though it was hard for her. The guy begged at her for months, but the girl was hurt. The old scar opened again. Once it opened, it would almost impossible to heal again.

The girl graduated successfully. She was accepted to a college. And again, a guy opened her heart. And this time, she accepted him as a boyfriend. It didn't last long though. After a few months, they had a big fight. But this time she didn't cry. Even her best friend told her that he could offer her his shoulder to cry on. But, she refused. She just gave him a wryly smile. She was too hurt until she could not feel the pain anymore. Then, they broke up.

The best friend tried his best to comfort her. Helped her to get over it. Listened to her. Gave her a strength to stand. Treated her special. Like she was the one girl in this world. It took her for awhile about his feelings towards her. She asked me, "what should I do?" And my answer was, "Believe to your heart."

Recently, I met her. For first time in my life, she gave me a happiest smile ever.

Love is like a roller coaster, it has its down and ups. Never lose your hope. Because there is someone for you somewhere.

One of my 'first'!

Well, humans are intelligent creatures. They are always in curious mode (what kind of language I'm using??). They want to know a lot of things. Try them. And I'm one of them (I'm a human, obviously). Therefore, I developed 'something' recently. And it is COLORING!!! (Hehehehe... come on, what were you thinking???) Well, I got ('downloaded', to be more exact) an Adobe photoshop. Then, I asked my 'Beruang' (BE-RU-ANG) to teach me. We spent the whole evening just to learn about it. Heheheheehehe... Typical me... A slow-learner. And this is the result!!!

Yay, it took me more than 8 hours to finish it!!!

Geez, thanks to this new passion, hobby, interest (what-so-ever you call it), I barely manage my time anymore. My fanfiction's development also goes slower than I thought. Usually, within a week, I could finish at least 2 chapters. But, now, I haven't up-dated any chapters yet!!! Gosh, I should get started!!!! Jane~

IT AGAINST MY PRINCIPLE!!!!

DAMMIT!!!! I really hate this day. I was struck with bad luck today!! I fell in the class this morning, just before the Spec Math assignment. I got bruise because of that. Then, my back was aching! In the afternoon, I got an English (EALD) test (from informal speech to formal essay. that wasn't an easy task, okay?). After class ended, I had a meeting with a lecturer to discuss about my bad score for last sem. Basically, today wasn't my day. But it worsened after the meeting.

I understand that the meeting was held to know what was our problems last sem. I respect it. Well, I did tell the truth; I admitted that it was my own fault; for sleeping in class and playing a lot. Because I have a principle that always admit your own fault and never put blame on others. However! However, however, however... it doesn't mean that you just can simply put others' blame ON me!!!  Can you just imagine that lecturer said that my class has a very 'unique' trend? Skipping class and usually only came for assessments or tests. Yeah, I know some of my friends did that, but NOT ME! Neither those another 4 people who attended the meeting. 5 of us had our own problems for almost failing our mid-year, and it wasn't because of skipping class!!!!

Then, the lecturer expected us to tell others about it. Who do you think we are, huh? Cellphones to send message? Tell it by yourself, dammit! If my class really has that kind of trend, then fine. Tell the WHOLE class about it! Not just to 5 of us only!! As if we are the one who did it!!!

I just hate it when people put blame on for the crime that I didn't do!!!! I really despise it!!! It goes against my principal too!!! 

Don't MESS with me!!!!!!!

Payphone

Recently, I downloaded a Jayesslee cover. The twins covered Payphone by Maroon 5 feat Wiz Khalifa. Seriously, I love this cover! Well, I like the song, but I quite don't like the vidclip. I mean, seriously? Bank robbery, misunderstanding, stole a car (sport car, I guess), and being wanted? I find that it is quite ridiculous. But, I guess it's fine. Their idea, not mine. Okay, back to the cover. I seriously love this twin. Their voices are harmony. My roomie once said that they sang church songs. Wow, cool~ No wonder they have very lovely voices. And they make the song sounds so meaningful! Oh~ I love you so much!!! <3

"Payphone"
(feat. Wiz Khalifa)

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember,
The people we used to be...
It's even harder to picture,
That you're not here next to me.

You say it's too late to make it,
But is it too late to try?
And in our time that you wasted
All of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
[Video:] All those fairy tales are full of shit
[Album:] All those fairy tales are full of it.
[Video:] One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
[Album:] One more stupid love song, I'll be sick

Oh, you turned your back on tomorrow
'Cause you forgot yesterday.
I gave you my love to borrow,
But you just gave it away.

You can't expect me to be fine,
I don't expect you to care
I know I've said it before,
But all of our bridges burned down

I've wasted my nights,
You turned out the lights
Now I'm paralyzed,
Still stuck in that time,
When we called it love,
But even the sun sets in paradise

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
[Video:] All those fairy tales are full of shit
[Album:] All those fairy tales are full of it.
[Video:] One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
[Album:] One more stupid love song, I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone

[Wiz Khalifa:]
Man, fuck that shit
I'll be out spending all this money
While you're sitting round wondering
Why it wasn't you who came up from nothing,
Made it from the bottom
Now when you see me I'm stunting,
And all of my cars start with a push of a button

Telling me the chances I blew up
Or whatever you call it,
Switch the number to my phone
So you never could call it,
Don't need my name on my shirt,
You can tell it I'm ballin.

Swish, what a shame could have got picked
Had a really good game but you missed your last shot
So you talk about who you see at the top
Or what you could have saw but sad to say it's over for.
Phantom pulled up valet open doors
Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for
Now it's me who they want, so you can go and take
that little piece of shit with you.

I'm at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you
Where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

If "Happy Ever After" did exist,
I would still be holding you like this
[Video:] All those fairy tales are full of shit
[Album:] All those fairy tales are full of it.
[Video:] One more fucking love song, I'll be sick.
[Album:] One more stupid love song, I'll be sick
Now I'm at a payphone... 

They are cute too!!!

Oh, she is interested with it!

I had my lunch at Old Town White Coffee today. I was with Lisa (my roomie!), Dewina, Pin (the spec math genius! I mean, seriously, he got full marks for his section 1~), Fida (ex-roomie. hey, your kl accent is getting better, huh?) and her boyfriend too, Rickz (when you wanna give me your Galaxy Note, huh? I want it!!). We had a good conversation. Well, as usual, I talked A LOT~ But, then, out of blue, my roomie asked me about my current fanfic. Oh yeah, I told her about it. She knows every night I'm gonna stay up to write my fic. And guess what? Fida interested with my fic! OMG, that was... SUPERB!!! I felt like flying right away. I mean, someone who doesn't have any interest about anime or what-so-ever (she's Justin Bieber's fan. No offense kay? I just give a neutral statement here. It is her, not ME!) , then asked me about it. I mean, she wants to read my fic. OMG!!! I just couldn't believe what I just heard!! Hahahahaha... haha. That means less sleep... Gosh! I don't know how to manage my time anymore!!!

Btw, I found this in a German book... I think it's kinda cute!

Sooo.... I hibernated

This is what will happen is I don't sleep at night. Well, recently I have done this... Don't know why.. But it's fine though~ As long I can keep my concentration in class, so it's alright. In fact, I think my concentration becomes better lately. Weird huh? So I guess I'll stay up again tonight because I already slept for few hours just now (that means I just woke up!! <3) My roomie is going out with her friend (I try my best to not mention 'boyfriend'... ARRRGHHH!!! No one is allowed to touch LISA!!! BACK OFF!!!) watching Sleeping Beauty. Hehehehe, she invited me too, but I refused. Too tired! Hehehehheheh... Guess that's all. I need to study now. CIAO~

I love Onion Head!

my passion!

Owh... I drew this thing~ i mean this art... it took me one day to finish this. and tell you what; i just love sad face~

So... I just opened a new page on my blog

So, I just started blogging... How lame I am, right? My friend got asked me about this before, but I just didn't care. Yeah, I was busy, maa~ (even now, heh) But recently I started writing some fanfics... And yup, it's about Prince of Tennis! Mostly about Platinum Pair (NiouxYagyuu) Hehehehehe... It can't be helped, they are adorable after all~ Naa... here I'm gonna express myself. So practically I don't care what people are thinking about me. I just DON'T care about it. I'm tired fulling people's expectations, so here, MY blog, I'm gonna release my anger. (But, of course, without offending the authorities, whoopsyyy~)

my fanfics profile: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/4004679/